Welcome to Common Room 2

UCCA/KIAD/Hell interview tomorrow, don't make me go! I don't think they will like me too much. My portfolio is aight I guess, nothing spectacular though oh well...I am really too worried about it, I'm sure it's not that bad. But I NEED to get in, NEED to! My sketchbooks are too thin grrr it really makes me look like I don't care about other artists. It doesn't matter if I don't, but I should've made it look like I do.

The gals, minus Linzo who's shoop shoop shooping [or skiing] in Italy, are gathering at Kazzle's house tonight for food, films and fun but alas I had to decline the invitation due to unfinished Marilyn sheets. *Humpf* I want to go poor me feeling sorry for myself heehee.

If I get accepted tomorrow at least I can nag my Dad with reason about living somewhere other than 64 Downs Road for the next year! I want to move out so badly, not in a 'I hate my parents' way, it's just that I'd like my own space. Yes, my own space to share with Linzi haha and anyone who's going to UCCA to help us afford to live without having to resort to prostitution.

Update: Sophie and myself had a long talk on Friday night, not resulting in a firm conclusion to be honest, but for now I just want to be "friends" [I say "friends" as we're attracted to each other, Sophie being quite smitten if I may say that modestly, but still we're remaining good friends] I know everything she's been through with twatty exs who have treated her worse than shit and cheated on her more times than I've listened to the Bluetones today [trust me, it's an immense amount poor Sophie] and so I don't want to rush into going out with her just because it's on the table, just to end up hurting her. I'm not the cheating type or anything like that, believe it or not I'm quite a nice person teehee, but I want to be all for her, rather than half wanting to be with her and half not wanting anything in my life to change. It's like I'm split down the middle, conflicting what I want with what's best. Part of me wants to be with her and hold her and the rest [I spent most of our talk on Friday forcing myself not to kiss her, it would exacerbated our little predicament to say the least] But the other part of me wants my life to stay as it is. I like my friends being the most important thing to me, and with relationships comes obligation to be with that person on a more regualr basis. I don't want to have to plan my life around someone else, or drop my friends because I'm going out with her that night instead. I think I've answered my own questions with the above 'conflicting parts of me'. I'm clearly not ready to commit if that's how I feel about my life as it stands. I need to be able to give all of me to her before I get in too deep [I'm already in deep enough!] I will just have to keep a lid on my hormonal lustings if I could have her without the commitment or the complications then I'd be one happy girl! I can't say how I feel without smoing across as some unloving dyke who just wants like one night and that's it. Maybe I'm just waiting for this all-consuming, makes you insane, can't live without it kind of love heh maybe I'm just an idiot who can't make up their mind! It's just that I think I had an epiphany when being with Nat. When I was lying with her in the morning, just realising that the sun had already risen, I thought that I didn't want anything more from her; I didn't want to start being all romantic and confessing an all time love to each other, I didn't want or need anything more from her. I'd had the hassle part of it and I'd had the moment of pleasure part of it and I've came to the conclusion that the latter is better when not mixed with the first. Ever since then I haven't been on the lesbian-look out for a new relationship, nor have I felt the urge for one. The thing with Sophie wasn't something I was looking for, but it seems that it has found me. And as unexpected as it is and as quick it has been to escalate into some big hazy part of my life, I can't say that I was better off without it happening. Stuff happens and you have to deal with it. However I choose to deal with how I feel will be interesting. I can't wait to see how the story pans out
"I don't want somebody to love me, just give me....[you know the rest!"
[Longest "update" ever written heh]

UCCA/KIAD/Hell interview tomorrow, don't make me go! I don't think they will like me too much. My portfolio is aight I guess, nothing spectacular though oh well...I am really too worried about it, I'm sure it's not that bad. But I NEED to get in, NEED to! My sketchbooks are too thin grrr it really makes me look like I don't care about other artists. It doesn't matter if I don't, but I should've made it look like I do.

The gals, minus Linzo who's shoop shoop shooping [or skiing] in Italy, are gathering at Kazzle's house tonight for food, films and fun but alas I had to decline the invitation due to unfinished Marilyn sheets. *Humpf* I want to go poor me feeling sorry for myself heehee.

If I get accepted tomorrow at least I can nag my Dad with reason about living somewhere other than 64 Downs Road for the next year! I want to move out so badly, not in a 'I hate my parents' way, it's just that I'd like my own space. Yes, my own space to share with Linzi haha and anyone who's going to UCCA to help us afford to live without having to resort to prostitution.

Update: Sophie and myself had a long talk on Friday night, not resulting in a firm conclusion to be honest, but for now I just want to be "friends" [I say "friends" as we're attracted to each other, Sophie being quite smitten if I may say that modestly, but still we're remaining good friends] I know everything she's been through with twatty exs who have treated her worse than shit and cheated on her more times than I've listened to the Bluetones today [trust me, it's an immense amount poor Sophie] and so I don't want to rush into going out with her just because it's on the table, just to end up hurting her. I'm not the cheating type or anything like that, believe it or not I'm quite a nice person teehee, but I want to be all for her, rather than half wanting to be with her and half not wanting anything in my life to change. It's like I'm split down the middle, conflicting what I want with what's best. Part of me wants to be with her and hold her and the rest [I spent most of our talk on Friday forcing myself not to kiss her, it would exacerbated our little predicament to say the least] But the other part of me wants my life to stay as it is. I like my friends being the most important thing to me, and with relationships comes obligation to be with that person on a more regualr basis. I don't want to have to plan my life around someone else, or drop my friends because I'm going out with her that night instead. I think I've answered my own questions with the above 'conflicting parts of me'. I'm clearly not ready to commit if that's how I feel about my life as it stands. I need to be able to give all of me to her before I get in too deep [I'm already in deep enough!] I will just have to keep a lid on my hormonal lustings if I could have her without the commitment or the complications then I'd be one happy girl! I can't say how I feel without smoing across as some unloving dyke who just wants like one night and that's it. Maybe I'm just waiting for this all-consuming, makes you insane, can't live without it kind of love heh maybe I'm just an idiot who can't make up their mind! It's just that I think I had an epiphany when being with Nat. When I was lying with her in the morning, just realising that the sun had already risen, I thought that I didn't want anything more from her; I didn't want to start being all romantic and confessing an all time love to each other, I didn't want or need anything more from her. I'd had the hassle part of it and I'd had the moment of pleasure part of it and I've came to the conclusion that the latter is better when not mixed with the first. Ever since then I haven't been on the lesbian-look out for a new relationship, nor have I felt the urge for one. The thing with Sophie wasn't something I was looking for, but it seems that it has found me. And as unexpected as it is and as quick it has been to escalate into some big hazy part of my life, I can't say that I was better off without it happening. Stuff happens and you have to deal with it. However I choose to deal with how I feel will be interesting. I can't wait to see how the story pans out
"I don't want somebody to love me, just give me....[you know the rest!"
[Longest "update" ever written heh]

Ok so first up, Tabula Rasa; to wipe the slate clean. My blog has been messed up for a while and you know it's time to try again when you start blogging in Word!

My blog's called Common Room 2 because it is where I live! Well, not quite. But if I had my way all my special people would stay in there and never leave. Things would be happier that way, until the inevitable lack of food and the like! The common room is my favourite place; even though it has mysterious sticky patches on the floor, old food behind the sofas, obscure crap on the ceiling that we didn't put there [I pulled down the rubber glove today! I expected it to be crusty heehee don't ask why!] it is infact a room where all my 'people' hang out [especially on Fun-Time-Friday!] and also where affectionate rape takes place daily!

I'm sure the people who read this already know the wonders of the room and ponder as to why I felt like writing the obvious; I do it to remember. When I browse through my unorganised favourites list god knows how long in the future and find this page, I want to know exactly what my life was like when I was 18; my meandering rambles, the healthy obsessions, the things that pissed me off on some idle day which now will seem trivial and the god-awful punctuation that I'm sure Linzi will be horrified at!

I do not feel that this would be best concluded with a normal blog-type overview of my day, I'll just list some stuff that I thought today

I'm doubting my abilities to get into UCCA. Well, not my abilities really, just my chances. Miss Foster keeps saying that if they ask me to resubmit dah dah da, and saying this a lot seems to emphasise that is how she thinks my "interview" will go. I know she's being supportive and looking at things positively but I have very low confidence about the whole thing right now.

I've been pretty happy all day but from walking out of the art rooms and to my car to meet Hannah I managed to work myself up into the weirdest mood possible. This was odd 'cause I haven't had these type of mood swings since erm ages ago! I just went really quiet in the car and didn't want to talk at all, but for no reason. And since I've been home I've been needing to cry, again for no reason.
I hate how complicated life's become. I don't want to be melodramatic about things but because of one night, and my complete disregard for anything apart from that single instance between myself and that girl I have managed to shift the foundations of one circle of friends, all of whom I care about a lot. It's the people that it's hurt, metephorically and literally, that forces me to regret the whole thing. I feel responsible for the labyrinth-like "dramas"; each one because of the last, and all because of a kiss [the fact that we were in the bathroom for like half an hour, I hope, didn't aid as a catalyst to the hurting. We were talking too! Mainly about the people that it would hurt if we stayed in there or took it further. Also, topic was on the attraction feelings, which if you wern't there you won't know hehe] Enough of this stuff now, it puts me in worse moods.

Finally, as most year 13s probably are, I am thinking about the end of this year. After unintentionally forming a group of fantastic friends in the past years at school [being best friends with Hannah, being in lots of lessons with Linzi and discovering that my life had been sadly lacking that girl, hanging out with Linzi in 'her corner' of the yr12 common room and hence getting to know Saz, Kayleigh, Lisa and Olympia, Lisa being a great friend in my form since yr7, one by one coming to the conclusion that Martien is odd and unpleasant and finally moving into yr13, claiming Common Room 2 and thus becoming the crew that we now know today!] We have planned loads of stuff to do in the summer, resulting in probably the best summer known to man! But all this leads to one thing; moving on with the next stages of our lives. We say that we will still see the girls that go to Canterbury as much as we always have, but I think if you use the Gibson example we can see the firection that it is heading. Hopefully not, I wish that it would stay the same but I somehow can't realistically see it like that. On my mind most of all is Hannah leaving. I can't imagine what it will be like without seeing her everyday and putting on silly accents just to talk normally! I can't imagine not walking along the path with her and doing our own instrumentals to songs [mainly Flip Reverse by Blazin' Squad, and recently All the Things She Said is a good 'un!] I can't imagine playing basketball without her and moaning about how pointless Lorainne's drills are. I can't imagine not going to her house and actually doing nothing but creating riddiculous things to do [dancing to 80s Mania and attempting the Fame leg thing, dragging her along her landing in a quilt, taking the piss out of her sister Claire for an entire evening or pissing her Mum off until she goes to bed!] I can't and don't want to imagine day-to-day life without her. But I will have to. I will have Linzi, she is precious! It's weird, all of the things that I have in common with Linzi [and believe me to make a list would be brave of you!] are pretty much the things that I don't have in common with Hannah. I think it's special how that worked out I actually adore my friends and this year will be difficult.
Over and out.