"The Coral - Dreaming Of You"
I am a menace and should be stopped.
Overly dramatic I know hehe but I need to learn how to control myself! That or stop getting myself into potentially compromising situations. Sophie came to mine Friday afternoon and we watched But I'm a Cheerleader; one of my favourite "special interest" films ever! After that we met Becky, Andy and Bert [teehee a guy our age is actually called Bert!] and we walked to Dukes. It was a good evening, starting with me kicking Sopie's arse at pool! I rule *spoken like The Spacey* I did have a lil too much to drink. Haley, Nikki and Alice popped in briefly 
it was so great to see them. They thought I was having a mid-life crisis 'cause everyone I was with was in the year below haha Hannah and Bec swung by for a drinky too as Hot Fuzz was entirely full, even the Deluxe screens! Eventually I was left with the minors by myself hehe I'm not sure why I carried on drinking, Batman only knows! I escorted Sophie to the toilet ['cause she's afraid that she'll get locked in heh] for the second time that evening, so I believed it to be a purely platonic venture! Until she came out of the toilets and we erm had a hug, a long hug. When we pulled out of the hug we did the kiss-lean in thing but I stopped! I had to stop it otherwise everything that we settled would just be a complicated mess in the morning [and this is what I told her, yup that I did!] It went back and forth for what seemed like ages - "It will complicate everything" "No it won't"... - until that part of me took over; that eediot part of me that hears the word SELF CONTROL and says 'Self-what? What on earth is that? Where's the woman?' So it goes without saying that we ended up kissing. It was so much more intense than at Clare's party. Which is weird considering how utterly out of the blue it was then. Her kiss was..sobering. I stopped feeling tipsy in an instant. This is really screwing me up; I keep on thinking that I don't want things to change, but then I can't seem to understand how much I really want her. I was just buried in her kiss and everything was so intense, heh especially after I'd pushed her towards the wall *rolls eyes* I was mere seconds away from kissing her neck, that would've been the complete loss of control scenario! But I stopped! Then talking and confused rambling to each other followed. I tried to explain how I felt about how she should be able to have all of me and "not me half pissed outside the toilets, again" [<nice direct quote there heh] I think she took it the wrong way. I meant that she deserves me to be wanting her full stop, with no doubts or complications, but I think she thought that I meant something to do with being pissed and being intimate. Anyway, we were interrupted by Becky 'cause we had to wait outside for the taxi [Sophie was to stay at mine that night too! Awkward?!] the taxi driver was weird and scary so that broke any tension between us, 'cause it was friggin' funny! I thought both my parents were home and asleep so I didn't bother with the usual "Hi, I'm home and not drunk!" routine. I looked for the sleeping bag but couldnt find it. Sophie didn't see a problem with sleeping in the same single bed...course not! But pfft I didn't care, I was sleepy drunk now and needed to sleep! I changed into some PJ type clothes and climbed into my bed next to her. It wasn't awkward or odd, it was nice. Nice until I heard my Mum get home! I got out of bed and long story short I slept in the spare room. Mum was only weird that night, she hasn't probed me with stupid 'phobic questions today or anything so all is good. But before I grabbed a pillow from my bed to take into the spare room with me, I had a hushed conversation with Sophie. I was telling her my mum was weird hehe she said her mum would be the same. I went to get up from the bed whe nshe held my arm meaningfully. There was a half-lean hehe which stopped. We hugged and then she still was looking meaningfully at me, so I kissed her on the cheek and whispered stuff about complications again. I got up and said "fuck" hushed but audibly hehe. There was some inter-room texting but yeah, stuff's the same now.
CONFUSED.com am I!
Soon I will blog about some other topic, I promise.
I'm not going to lie and say that it's just the same as any other rom-com and everyone would love it, 'cause obviously it wouldn't. If it was intended for all audiences then it would have been showing at Ashford, but it's not and so it wasn't. That really pissed me off though, the fact that I'd waited for this film for a long while and then it doesn't even show at the biggest cinema near me, not even Canterbury showed it 
grrr damn those hetro managers heh! Anyway, the film has Piper Perabo with an english accent, yum! But the main reason for everyone to see this film is Tony Head; his drunken Dad dancing at the wedding is enough for anyone to watch it! Actually, the best bit about this film is the way it ends, it's basically Kissing Jessica Stein with a better ending, one that doesn't show being gay as something you can dip into every now and then! [I've had to put it on again now!]
like the duty to be good at pool or fancy Shane from The L Word haha.
oh well...I am really too worried about it, I'm sure it's not that bad. But I NEED to get in, NEED to! My sketchbooks are too thin grrr it really makes me look like I don't care about other artists. It doesn't matter if I don't, but I should've made it look like I do.
poor me feeling sorry for myself heehee.
poor Sophie] and so I don't want to rush into going out with her just because it's on the table, just to end up hurting her. I'm not the cheating type or anything like that, believe it or not I'm quite a nice person teehee, but I want to be all for her, rather than half wanting to be with her and half not wanting anything in my life to change. It's like I'm split down the middle, conflicting what I want with what's best. Part of me wants to be with her and hold her and the rest 
if I could have her without the commitment or the complications then I'd be one happy girl! I can't say how I feel without smoing across as some unloving dyke who just wants like one night and that's it. Maybe I'm just waiting for this all-consuming, makes you insane, can't live without it kind of love heh maybe I'm just an idiot who can't make up their mind! It's just that I think I had an epiphany when being with Nat. When I was lying with her in the morning, just realising that the sun had already risen, I thought that I didn't want anything more from her; I didn't want to start being all romantic and confessing an all time love to each other, I didn't want or need anything more from her. I'd had the hassle part of it and I'd had the moment of pleasure part of it and I've came to the conclusion that the latter is better when not mixed with the first. Ever since then I haven't been on the lesbian-look out for a new relationship, nor have I felt the urge for one. The thing with Sophie wasn't something I was looking for, but it seems that it has found me. And as unexpected as it is and as quick it has been to escalate into some big hazy part of my life, I can't say that I was better off without it happening. Stuff happens and you have to deal with it. However I choose to deal with how I feel will be interesting. I can't wait to see how the story pans out 